figure eight

“Beginning at the end, of the beginning, of the end, Twisting and turning between one and ten, The puzzle never ends, make your demons your friends, It’s the beginning of a road that leads right back to the Beginning of the end..”
[Memento – Figure Eight]
[ tl;dr = 2013 sucked, the beginning of 2014 sucked a little less, getting better now, more posts forthcoming, there’s a cool song at the end of this post ]

From around July 2012 to February 2014 my life has been mostly a living hell. I say that relatively, considering there are oodles more people on this earth that have it orders-of-magnitude worse. But, still, it has been pretty bad from my vantage point.

That July, on a Thursday, one day before a scheduled vacation, I had what the ER doc called a precursor to a heart attack, or more likely to a stroke. My vision blurred, then doubled. My heart started racing. When I went to the med room at work, my heart rate was near 160bpm and my blood pressure was so high the machine couldn’t read it. I went to the ER, where I was fed glycerin and baby aspirin, x-rayed, and hooked to a heart monitor and admitted for an overnight stay. Since I was in the hospital, I had to call in the next day. That’s where all the bullshit started.

Since this happened at work, where I spent 8 hours a day, being at work was fucking terrifying. I was afraid that at any moment, my eyes would say, “fuck it,” and my heart would jam on the gas pedal. This led to many call-ins. For being a walmart entity, they were fairly generous at first (although, when I spent the night in the hospital, my wife stayed with me and her employer, also walmart, didn’t knock her for missing that Friday while mine did, and I was in the fucking hospital). For almost 18 months I came as close as could to getting fired (without going over) because of recurring and worsening panic attacks.

In December 2013 I was once again on the edge of out-of-workville, although the illness was different this time. Hemorrhoids. Making it kinda hard to be of any use in a job where I sat for 7 hours a day. One day I needed to leave, and asked two floor managers if I would be okay leaving, ie; would it put me into termination territory, or did I have some room to work with. They both told me, in no uncertain terms, that because I was leaving for a pre-existing illness it would be combined with previous days and not count on its own. In other words, “you’re fine, go on home and i hope you feel better.” So, I went home, slathered my ass in preparation h.

I go in the next day, it is December 23rd, our last workday until December 26th. It was christmas. I get called into the HR manager’s office. His name is Alejandro (Alex) Castro. Alex tells me that because of [some bullshit HR-speak] that leaving early the previous day, despite what the floor managers told me, put me in termination territory. Unless I could get in to see my doctor, and have him sign off on a leave of absence to cover the days I’d missed, I’d be fired. I had to have the paperwork in by December 26th. I had to make an appointment with my Doctor, on christmas eve.

Since no one save for old rich people get to see the doctor on christmas eve, I was fucked. So, basically, I had a nice christmas with the family, then lost my job.

brownieOh, and the day after christmas, our oldest dog, Brownie (that’s him, over there), died. It was a fucking awful all-day event. He’d been arthritic, but in good spirits the few days prior, then that day he just couldn’t move, and could barely breathe. He finally passed about 11pm on the 26th. Then, January sucked because I started the new year with no fucking job, and in shit health.

In late January, early February, I was at the lowest point I’d been in 20+ years. I thought it was the end of my life, and slowly I’d just die. After a long talk with the wife, and a healthy inner dialogue (which probably looked clown shit crazy from the outside) I realized; I’ve been here before. Came out of it better than before, too. I am lucky enough to be married to a wonderful, beautiful, understanding wife, and to have two amazing kids doing great on their own.

I am working on getting healthier, have my anxiety issues mostly under control (as long as I don’t have to leave the house. Or see or talk to people), and money worries are temporarily non-existent. I have some ideas, some things I’m going to try. Hopefully one or more work. If not, I will keep trying.

Since I don’t have a job (other than attending to every whim of Queen Wife), I will (probably) be blogging more. I’ve said that a dozen times and never followed through. Mainly because I was dying and having the joy and pleasure ripped out of me by Alex Castro. But, since he’s no longer the boss of me, fuck him. Also, because he’s no longer the boss of me, I feel a twinge of joy.

It isn’t the end. It is the beginning. Of the end. Of the beginning.

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