Reset

i see you, painting, all your pictures in gray, only to watch them fade
i see you making all your castles in clay, only to wash them away
..
all that is, and has ever been, all exist right now in this one moment, can’t we just, start again, here at the end. – [ partial “Reset” lyrics © Pinwheel ]

[tl;dr = alex is a dick, i miss my job, i’m pissed about it, anxiety blows, there’s a cool song at the end]

It has been about three months since I lost my job. At the time, now, and forever, I will continue to believe I lost that job unfairly. Three months is a just a blip, it’s also a long time, depending on state of mind at any given moment. At this given moment, my state of mind says it is both. My state of mind is a fickle asshole.

I worked at a WalMart property; D.C. 8866 Jewelry Repair & Assembly in Marlow, OK. I was one of 300 people, in only two facilities servicing the entirety of WalMart’s (& Sam’s Club) jewelry customer base. We repaired and re-sized rings, fixed other jewelry, etc.. I loved that job. I was fucking great at it too. Not humblebragging, I was fucking great at it. Eventually, my anxiety problems got the better of me, and despite loving the shit out of my job, I was just.. out of a job.

I blame Alex Castro. As I stated in the figure eight post, both floor managers, including my direct supervisor, stated I would be fine re; my attendance. Then, Alex arbitrarily changed the rules. Looking back at first, I thought Alex was a good guy, looking out for my best interests. He’d been a champion for me on previous occasions. At the long end of three months, looking back, I think Alex and Don (Asset Protection Mgr) were looking for a reason to let me go. Since I’d had attendance problems for a few years due to anxiety and blood pressure issues, I can’t totally blame them. I constantly pushed to the edge. But that’s what anxiety does to some. I’d always put myself in a position of go to work or lose your job. It forced me to proactively deal with my anxiety. So when my floor managers told me I’d be fine, I knew it. I knew the attendance policy like I know Stephen King’s “The Mist.” I’d read it backwards and forwards, many times, twisting out loopholes etc.. Thus, why Alex’s arbitrary changing of policy, without corporate say, shocked me.

It took me almost 6 years of different meds, therapists, doctors and a desire to rise above it, to get enough of a handle on my anxiety problems to keep my job. There were days where I thought it would be better just to veer into the first semi truck on the way to work, then I wouldn’t have to deal with the shaky, nauseous feeling I get every single day when I wake up. Of course, losing the job sent me back a ways re; anxiety issues. I know anxiety issues, and the constant struggle with them, can cause extreme frustration and can lead to one falling into a deep depression. I think I’ve managed to keep away from that, but I’m too depressed to care.

My job at D.C. 8866 was just another castle made of clay, now washed away. I would go back in a second, if Alex asked. Since that’s not likely, I have to start building another castle, painting another picture. They’ll certainly wash out/fade, but I have to keep trying.

As I process this more, I may post more self-indulgent whining. For now, though, I’m just molding clay.

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